7 TV News runs a dodgy survey

I'm no statistician, but this one makes the abacus appear postmodern.

With great fanfare, Channel 7's Local TV News, have launched a viewer questionnaire, optimistically called Cairns tells the truth. I kid you not.

"Express your views in the Cairns survey by clicking on the following link," so the website says.

As they've only put a postal address on the form, meaning you'll have to pay to contribute your opinions, I thought I'd help them out. Therefore, so 7 News can get the maximum response, I'll provide their email address and you can send your survey results back, should you feel so compelled to fill in this stunning piece of statistical marvel. [Simply copy and paste the text below into an email.]

Even the survey logo, whipped up in someones afternoon tea break, is a treat to behold.

I've written a number of marketing surveys and questionnaires in my time, but this one is a real gem. I was going to re-print a few excerpts, but it's gold so I will copy the entire dodgy questionnaire for your edification and bemusement.

I loved these ones in particular:

• Do you know your local Council member's name? I think they mean Councillor. Unless Sno has a nic-name for his peepee?


• What keeps you awake at night worrying? If Cr Alan Blake will send the heavies around.


• Does the cost of rent/mortgage negatively affect your lifestyle? Yes and No. Bloodly silly question.


• Is there enough for children to do in the community? Depends if they have dumb parents I guess.


• Do you find tourists’ behaviour annoying? No, just the locals are the ones that are annoying. Oh, and some elected ones too.


• Do you feel, as a society, we are Criminal? Devious? □ Yes □ No As a society, we are Nethanderals, and still evolving.


• If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be? I'd ban all stupid media surveys.
  
• Does Cairns / Townsville rivalry really exist? No, they're shit at most things.

Where's the question about how lame-arse some of our local media is at doing their job?

What kind of answers they're trying to solicit from such questions, is beyond me.

• How long have you lived in Cairns?
  Less than a year / 1 to 5 years / 5 years or more
  
  How happy are you living in Cairns?
  Very happy / Mostly happy / Not happy
  
  What keeps you awake at night worrying?
  Job security / Financial worries / Personal safety / Family issues /
  Other - ? (Please state)
  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
  
  How well do you know your neighbours?
  Very well / a little / not at all
  
  Would you lend them your garden tools?
  □ Yes □ No
  
  If you went on holiday, would you rust them to look after your
  a) house
  b) mail
  c) pets
  d) plants
  (Please circle applicable)
  
  Have you ever been a victim of crime in your community?
  □ Yes □ No
  
  Are there areas in your community you would be afraid to walk alone at night?
  □ Yes □ No If yes, where? (Please state)
  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
  
  Is enough being done to combat crime in the community?
  □ Yes □ No
  
  Do you know your local Council member's name?
  □ Yes □ No
  
  Has Council amalgamation been a success?
  □ Yes □ No
  
  Have you had any reason to contact the Council?
  □ Yes □ No
  
  Are they accessible, do they return your calls?
  □ Yes □ No
  
  Do you know your local federal and state MP?
  □ Yes □ No
  
  If you had the chance to abolish one of the following , which would it be?
  a) Local Council
  b) State government
  c) Federal government
  
  Do you know your Bank Manager's name?
  □ Yes □ No
  
  Are you happy with the service your bank provides in Cairns?
  □ Yes □ No
  
  Does the cost of rent/mortgage negatively affect your lifestyle?
  □ Yes □ No
  
  How well does your local GP know you and your family?
  □ Very well □ Not very well
  
  Are you happy with the quality of medical care they offer?
  □ Yes □ No
  
  Do you think there are adequate medical services in the region?
  □ Yes □ NO If not, what services do you think are most needed? ( Please state )
  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
  
  If you have school-age children, do you let them walk/ride to school?
  □ Yes □ No □ N/A
  
  How do you rate their standard of education?
  □ Good □ Fair □ Poor What areas could be improved?
  ( Please state )
  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
  
  Is there enough for children to do in the community?
  □ Yes □ No
  
  How important is tourism to the Far North?
  □ Very Important □ Important
  □ Not Important
  
  Does our economy rely too much on tourism?
  □ Yes □ No
  
  Are you worried that more tourism could threaten our environment?
  □ Yes □ No
  
  Do you give enough recognition to the value of the backpacker market?
  □ Yes □ No
  
  Are we doing enough to encourage tourists from?
  Overseas - □ Yes □ No
  Australia - □ Yes □ No
  
  Do you find tourists’ behaviour annoying?
  □ Yes □ No If yes, why:
  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
  
  Does Cairns / Townsville rivalry really exist ?
  □ Yes □ No If so, does it cause any problems?
  □ Yes □ No
  
  Does Townsville get preferential treatment from the government at Cairns’ expense?
  □ Yes □ No
  
  Should local political leaders be doing more to get a better deal for Cairns?
  □ Yes □ No
  
  Are you still working?
  □ Yes □ No
  
  Do you have an active local social network?
  □ Yes □ No
  
  Do you get lonely?
  □ Yes □ No
  
  How often do you see family members?
  Daily/ Weekly / Not regularly
  
  If you had an accident at home and were unable to call for help, would someone worry and check on you?
  □ Yes □ No
  
  How often do you attend church?
  Daily / Weekly / Sometimes / Never
  
  Do you give to charity?
  □ Yes □ No
  
  How often do you exercise ?
  Daily / Weekly / Not regularly/ Not at all
  
  How often do you:
  a) go out for coffee in your local community
  Daily / Weekly / Not regularly/ Not at all
  b) meet for lunch
  Daily / Weekly / Not regularly/ Not at all
  c) go out to dinner
  Daily / Weekly / Not regularly/ Not at all
  
  Do you feel, as a society, we are:
  Charitable? □ Yes □ No
  Civic minded? □ Yes □ No
  Compassionate? □ Yes □ No
  Criminal? □ Yes □ No
  Devious? □ Yes □ No
  Materialistic? □ Yes □ No
  Honest? □ Yes □ No
  Hardworking? □ Yes □ No
  
  If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
  Age (tick)
  Body
  Face
  Hair
  Weight
  Height
  Intelligence
  Personality
  Sex
  
  If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?
  A bad habit (tick)
  Job
  Community (where you live)
  Education
  Friends
  Partner
  Parents
  Wealth
  
  Your age?
  □ 16-24
  □ 25-39
  □ 40-54
  □ 55-65
  □ 65+
  Contact no. (optional)