Sunday 1 November 2009

You know you're a flight attendant when...

1. You can eat a four-course meal standing at the kitchen counter.
2. You search for a button to flush the toilet
3. You look for the "crew line" at the grocery store.
4. You can pack for a two week trip to Europe in 1 roll-aboard
5. All of your pens have different hotel names on them
6. You never unpack
7. You can recognize pilots by the backs of their heads-but not by their faces
8. You can tell from 70 yards away if a piece of luggage will fit in the overhead bin
9. You care about the local news in a city three states away
10. You can tie a neck scarf 36 ways
11. You know at least 25 uses for air sickness bags-none of which pertain to vomit
12. You understand and actually use the 24-hour clock
13. You own 2 sets of uniforms: fat and thin
14. You don't think in "months"-you think in "bid packs"
15. You always point with two fingers
16. You get a little too excited by certain types of ice
17. You stand at the front door and politely say "Buh-bye, thanks, have a nice day" when someone leaves your home
18. You can make a sentence using all of the following phrases: "At this time," "For your safety," "Feel free," and "As a reminder"
19. You know what's on the cover of the current issues of In Touch, Star, and People magazines
20. You stop and inspect every fire extinguisher you pass, just to make sure the "gauge is in the green"
21. Your thighs are covered in bruises from armrests and elbows
22. You wake up and have to look at the hotel stationery to figure out where you are
23. You refer to cities by their airport codes
24. You actually understand every item on this list
25. Everytime the door bell rings you look up at the ceiling.
26. You change into you "galley shoes" to cook dinner at home!
27. You open your bathroom doors at home slowly incase someone forgot to lock it.
28. You only know 250 or 350 degrees on your home oven
29. When you ask your spouse when they will be coming home from work you ask for their "ETA" 30. You can spot out an airplane from the ground above and tell the other person what airline it is!
31. You go through each room at your friends place looking for magazines to read!
32. You bring home different grocery bags full of goodies that you can't get in your home town! and tell a story about it!
33. You know better NOT to date a pilot!
34. You're a fire fighter, a nurse, a security officer and a server all in one!
35. You're a GREAT multi-tasker!
36. You have mastered the art of walking very quickly down the aisle and not catching anyone's eye.
37. Your at a friends party and you start wiping your hands on their curtains.
38.You call for the car doors to be armed and cross checked before pulling away. answer your phone by saying "Hi its ..... at "position"
40. when you try and put the foot brake on your shopping cart.
41.When releasing your seatbelt in the car, you try to 'lift the top portion of the buckle and pull apart" and are confused when you can't find it.
42. When sitting in the backseat of your friends car, you check the seat pocket for garbage.
43. when your friends or family ask what time it is, you ask in what time zone!
44. When you're really tired and are staying in for the night, you tell you're friends you're 'slam-clicking'.
45. you remember the hotel phone numbers better than your home phone number.
46. You see rubbish dropped on the floor in your own home and instead of bending down to pick it up, you kick it under the sofa.
47. You have 400 mobile numbers in your address book of crew you still wanted to meet up with....but when you finally get the time and look for numbers, you cannot put their faces and names together.
48. You locate all the exits when on public transport and learn the door operations.
49. You are standing in an elevator in your hotel and cant remember what floor you're supposed to go to, or what your room number is.
50. You can never make definite plans, otherwise you know you'll be delayed/called out, for sure!
51. You can't help saying goodbye to friends or anyone without sounding patronising... "b'bye now.. bye!
52. when you've finished your dinner you throw the dirty plate in the cupboard and kick the door shut.
53. If you check your breast pocket for a pen when you are going to write a shopping list at home. 54. You automatically uncross your legs, sit back, and fold your arms across your lap when you hear an engine rev up, whether you're a passenger on a flight that day or just in the car!
55. Every time someone ask's a question your reply is ... 'Just bear with me, or standby...
56. when your going out from the hotel on a layover you smile and greet people you meet in the lifts... and you're not even in uniform.
57. You take out one blanket from the overhead bin or closet....and you hide it behind your back, running fast so no one sees it so you can use it!!!!
58. You know the water gauge is showing empty and you grab a bottle of water and start washing your hands!
59. You spin around in the aft galley and yell, i love my job, i love my job....
60. You carry around ultra concentrated spray for the smells that come out of the lavatory to protect you and your fellow co-workers!
61. You carry around a sharpie marker!
62. You work 18 hour days then go home and start cleaning up after someone else!
63. You have so much time off you have 2 jobs!
64. Your dead heading on a flight and your sleeping and you wake up when they say "doors for departure and cross check" or when you hear the high low chimes in the cabin!
65. You tell people to turn off their mobilephones and ipods.
66. If someone is smoking you show them the sign and remind them not to smoke!
67. You are ready to shop when you get to your destination!
68. You get so use to standing up while eating you don't even look for a chair anymore.
69. You hate people that slam their doors and call them slam-clickers!
70. You have so many pictures, you don't know what album to start with and what pictures belong where anymore!
71. You don't like long walks at the beach anymore, cause all you do is walk the ocean, but 36,000FT above!
72. you stuff your mobile phone in your bra while out clubbing in case you get a call from crew
73. you have mastered the art of putting on makeup in the car/bus/subway
74. you carry in your purse a stain-remover pencil at all times
75. you apologize for everything
76. you are no longer disgusted at stepping in dog poo: you've seen me!
77. you appreciate time at home more than anyone else
78. when you ask someone a question, you stick your ear in their face and put your hand around it in order to hear better
79. you've developed an interest for astrology, and constantly ask "what's your sign?"
80. you're a pro of small talk and specialize in four categories: children, mortgages, divorces, and your in-laws
81. you've got a bunch of old worthless coins from the pre-Euro era
82. you bring your big suitcase on a one-day layover to get your groceries!
83. you know how to create a gourmet fondue using jersey milk bars, stale crew fruit, plastic cutlery and china from the business class cabin.
84. you bring home some passenger meal trays and wash them, then fill them with your own food and heat it up on board during your next flight!
85. you're dead-heading and you offer to place other passengers' luggage in the overhead bins, or bring them blankets.
86. you keep your crew tags visible when you are dead-heading, so that the flight attendants will know you are crew and offer you free food/booze.
87. you keep all your creams/perfumes/cosmetics in small pots and bottles so that they pass security cause you know its has to be under 100ML
88. You hear your cell phone ring even when it's not ringing
89. you bid flights according to the hotel at a destination, and not necessarily the destination itself
90. your fruits and veggies at home always go bad because you're always away
91. You never brew regular coffee on a trans-Atlantic flights, instead you brew all decaf to put the pax back to sleep ;)
92. You have different currencies in your wallet.

So you want to be a flight attendant?

Go to a resale store and find an old, navy suit that an army sergeant might have worn. Add a white shirt and a tie. Wear that same outfit for three consecutive days.

Go to an airport and watch airplanes take off for several hours. Pretend you are standing by for them and they are all full. Go home. Return to the airport the very next day and do the same thing again.

Fill several large boxes with rocks. Lift them over your head and place them on the top shelf of a closet. Slam the door shut until the boxes fit. Do this until you feel a disc slip in your back.
Turn on a radio. Be sure to set it between stations so there is plenty of static. Turn on the vacuum cleaner and garbage disposal. Run them all night.

Remove the covers from several TV entrees. Place them in a hot oven. Leave the food in the oven until it's completely dried out. Remove the hot trays with your bare hands. Serve to your family. Don't include anything for yourself. Serve your family a beverage one hour after they've received their meal. Make them remain in their seats during this time. Ask them to scream at you and complain about the service. Scrounge uneaten rolls off the plates for you to eat 6 hours later when you're really hungry.

Place a straight-backed chair in a closet facing a blank wall. Use a belt to strap yourself into it. Eat the rolls you saved from your family's meal.

Ask your family to use the bathroom as frequently as possible. Tell them to remove their shoes and socks before entering, and see who can make the most disgusting mess. Clean the bathroom every hour throughout the night.

Make a narrow aisle between several dining room chairs and randomly scatter your husband's runners and loafers along the way. Turn off the lights and spend the night walking up and down the aisle while banging your shins against the chair legs and tripping over the shoes. Drink several cups of cold coffee to keep yourself awake.

Gently wake your family in the morning and serve them a muffin in a package. Don't forget to smile and wish them a nice day when they leave for work and school.

After the family leaves, take a suitcase and go out into the yard. If it's not raining, turn on the sprinkler system and stand in the cold for 30 minutes pretending like your waiting for the crew bus topick you up. Then go inside and wait by your bedroom door for another 30 minutes for an imaginary maid to make up your room.

Change into street clothes and shop for 5 hours. Pick up carry-outfood from a local deli. Go back home. Sit on your bed and eat your meal. Set your alarm for 3am so you'll be ready incase you don't get your wake up call.

Repeat the above schedule for three days in a row and you'll be ready to work your first international flight.


debbie said...

have long known that it is not a glamorous job, but this is a great illustration.

The Flying Pinto said...

These are my all time faves;-)