Oh dear, this is becoming a sport. They're not even making it hard for us anymore.
Daniel Bateman's column in today's Cairns Post, is right up there with the opinion feature Thomas-a-dingo-stole-my-story-Chamberlin wrote just over a month ago, when he suggested - seriously - having the disgraced former Cairns Regional Council CEO Noel Briggs on the interview panel to pick his replacement.
When Thomas mentioned to a Council staffer the day before about his 'story' idea he was working on, he confirmed he was dead cert.
Today's silly feature story, that Editor Webster donates almost a full page to, matches Thomas' high accolades of journalistic endeavours. It again professes to be a legitimate dialogue of current issues, pressing matters, and intuitive dialogue with it's readers. Or does it?
"Reporter" Dan Bateman suggests that Cairns should change it's name, penned in a 'letter to Val.'
Is this the best that the Post's journos can come up with in our major weekend regional newspaper?
"We need to change the name of the city," Bateman writes. "Does the city need a new name? What would you like to call the city? You may not be aware that our mono-syllabic city name tends to be quite the tongue twister among our international visitors."
"To put it bluntly, they just don’t know what to do with it, mangling it like Madonna singing Don McLean’s American Pie. If you don’t believe me, the next time you’re lined up for a flight home in the airport ....... strain your ears and listen to the antics that go on across the Virgin Blue counter," Batman, I mean Bateman goes on to bore us, para after para after para. It's like reprinting a month's worth of Gavin King in one article. At least the King could write and string a few thoughts together, in between not feeding his dog. God dam it.
He goes on with "American tourist: "Ceeeeehrns … I mean Cehns. No? Cerrrrrns???" They really don’t know what to do with it. And it’s just as bad for us Cairnsites on the rare opportunities we get to go overseas – everyone thinks we live in France," Dan Bateman scribes.
"But what do we rebadge Cairns as, you may ask? ...No need to worry there, I’ve done most of the heavy lifting for you. Cairns’ biggest competition for the tourist dollar at the moment, believe it or not, is Townsville... We’re going to need to become a ’ville ourselves," Dan spouts forth full of wisdom beyond his years.
".......the logical name choice is (drum roll, please), Awesomeville. Think about it. If you lived down south and had a choice of holidaying in North Queensland in either a place called Townsville or a place called Awesomeville, it’s a no brainer, ain’t it?"
Other ideas from this master of invention and suggestion: Oarsham, oarsome, Cairn-Cairn, ca-ching. I genuinely don't know if the writer was trying to be funny, serious, or just plain goofy. He makes the Chaser lads look like T. S. Eliot.
And this is what we get for a Murdoch 'quality news service' that we'll all want to pay for? What a waste of $1.70c.
PS: Evidently you can email Bateman with name ideas. Why, I don't know. It'll only encourage him.
PPS: What on earth does his title headline "Change the name of game" mean?
PPPS: So, do you think Cairns needs a new name? You can even vote in one of the Post's delightfully inciteful polls, where there's never any statistics of how many voted, just a percentage. I expect they make the whole thing up.
PPPPS: Post in the comments below, your suggestion for a new name for the Cairns Post!