Sunday 16 May 2010

Christianity. It just makes sense

Dear Catholic church...

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.

I do need some advice from you regarding specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord — Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness — Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination — Lev. 11:10 — it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? — Lev.24:10-16.

Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your unfaithful servant.


heyzues said...

Oh my god mike! I hope some man who wears a dress hangs you upside down on a cross.
And ties rosary beads around your nuts and pours holy water up your bum but shit that was funny hhhheeeeeeee

Alifiss said...

Sounds good to me heyzues. What's it like?

The pope said...

YK How come there is no mention of the blokes responsible for preaching this crap forgot this bit? THOU SHALL NOT BE IN A POSITION OF TRUST AND POKE IT IN KIDS?
I actually think sex between consenting adults of any sex is ok.
but sick bastards that stick it in kids need boiling in oil .
suprised you only picked on the homosexual refrence in gods book written by old jokers wandering around the desert 1000 YRS AGO .

Oh yeah by the way I am straight but back biting bigots crap me right off.

read below at some of your sick mates.
Sex priest 'betrayal' Laurie Nowell From: Sunday Herald Sun May 16, 2010 12:00AMare these?
A PEDOPHILE clergyman has been sent to conduct an Easter mass in a church that has seen two priests convicted over child sexual abuse - one as recently as last year.
Parishioners at St Brigid's Parish in Healesville were outraged last month over plans for admitted child sex fiend Father Barry Robinson to carry out Easter services as a temporary replacement priest.

The visit came only 12 months after former Healesville priest Paul Pavlou was convicted of possessing child pornography and the indecent assault of a boy, 14, and given an 18-month suspended sentence.

In 2000, Father David Daniel, also a one-time Healesville priest, was sentenced to six years' jail and classified as a serious sexual offender over 16 counts of indecent assault, gross indecency, and indecent acts involving children.

The Sunday Herald Sun has learned Father Robinson is one two Catholic priests found to have been the perpetrators of sexual abuse who have been appointed to a panel of supply, or fill-in, priests in Victoria.

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The other is Father Graham Redfern, who is also a senior army chaplain.

Both been found by the church to have abused young people under their pastoral care - yet they both are still able to conduct church services and deliver pastoral care.

Father Robinson has admitted having sex with a 16-year-old boy in Boston in the 1990s, according to US court documents.

Father Redfern was found by a church investigator Peter O'Callaghan, QC, to have had sexually abused a vulnerable 18-year-old Dandenong boy who was grieving after his mother's death in the 1970s.

He had given the boy's mother the last rites and carried out her funeral service.

Father Robinson was at the centre of fresh controversy last month when parishioners at St Brigid's planned a protest over his proposed visit to their Easter Vigil.

An email campaign saw the new priest confronted over the visit and the event cancelled.

Easter masses at the church were abandoned and locals forced to travel to Lilydale.

Parishioners said the attempt to bring Father Robinson to Healesville was "shocking" and "horrifying".

"It was incredibly shocking and disrespectful of parishioners and the whole community," a female church member said.

"Parishioners, many with children, were asked to welcome this man into their homes. It is beyond belief.

"The Archdiocese has a lot to answer for, for putting us through this after what happened with Father Pavlou.

"We have been betrayed again."

A Melbourne Archdiocese spokesman said: "Father Robinson occasionally stands in in parishes in circumstances where the resident priest may be unavailable due to other commitments, illness or vacation.

"He does not otherwise hold any office or appointment within the Archdiocese. Father Robinson has not been charged or found guilty of any criminal conduct."

Syd Walker said...

Millions who consider themselves Christians live good lives. Others - I include myself - hold values influenced to some extent by millennia of western Christian culture.

Christianity is more than the caricature featured in this article's graphic. Yet those who choose to interpret the bible literally may find the parody uncomfortable - and find it difficult to shrug off the citations from the Old Testament - a document even more problematic for modernity than the Christian New Testament.

At least the latter carries an essential message of universalism, gentleness and forgiveness. In those key respects it contrasts markedly with the 'Old Testament', known in Jewish tradition as the 'Torah'.

That larger and older body of text contains large segments which, to most modern ears, sound not only anachronistic but viciously partisan and blatantly inhumane.

Take 1 Samuel 15. In the narrative God instructs Saul to "go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass..."

We're told Saul did most of what he was told to do. But God complained "it repenteth me that I have set Saul up to be king". Although Saul "utterly destroyed all the people with the edge of the sword...” he didn't go far enough for God's liking. “Saul and the people spared [King] Agag, and the best of the sheep, and of the oxen, and of the fatlings, and the lambs, and all that was good, and would not utterly destroy them: but every thing that was vile and refuse, that they destroyed utterly.

Saul then steps aside, allowing Samuel, another Jewish leader, to carry out the Lord's wishes in full: “Samuel hewed Agag in pieces before the LORD

It's an ugly tale of hate and murder. Sadly, it's is not without contemporary relevance. While Christian clergy rarely mention it, in Jewish culture Amalek is a more popular concept.

Last year, a prominent Zionist commentator reported: “I recently asked one of his advisers to gauge for me the depth of Mr. Netanyahu’s anxiety about Iran. His answer: 'Think Amalek.'”

During the 2009 assault on Gaza, an Israeli chief Rabbi declared the assault was “a war of the people of Israel against Amalek”.

Michael Hoffmann's alarming review of the contemporary significance of this mad notion of Amalek, seen here on YouTube, is not, regrettably, outdated.

One can accuse contemporary Christians of many things, but not that kind of rampant sectarian militancy. Even Ian Paisley in North Ireland, in all his revolting partisan fervour, didn't used the language of mass extermination against those he viewed as his enemies.

It's to the great discredit of most contemporary Christian leaders that they barely utter a murmur of complaint while their Christian brethren in the Holy Land are subjected to the most appalling discrimination and maltreatment by Jewish overlords who claim God-given entitlment to exclusive occupancy of the land.

Christian legend tells us that Jesus advised forgiveness. But he did not grant bullies an open charter. The New Testament narrates that Jesus galvanised resistance to cruel and exploitative behaviour.

Doubtless the mass media is selective reporting their words. Even so, too many Christian leaders seem to almost court irrelevance, bleating endlessly about sexual morality while they fail to stand up strongly for the core universalist principles of which Christianity can reasonably remain proud.

Gavin Bland said...

often in need of a little spritual guidance I've also used:



Bryan Law said...

Far be it from me to have an opinion about religion, but aren't all the morally offensive bits above from the Old Testament?

Which would be relevant to a discussion of fundamentalist Judaism and Islam, and not really about the Jesus part of Christianity?

I seem to remember something or other about a loving God and loving your enemies, along with sacrifice and redemption, being the core of the new teaching.

But I guess an attack on Jesus these days has to avoid spirituality as far as possible, so the white middle class materialists feel comfortable drowning in the swamp of their own ennui.

PaulB said...

So Bryan the Old Testament is there just to pad things out a bit? I've seen it called the Readers Digest version of the Jewish Holy Books, but with some of the self serving Supremacist bits cut out to give it a bit of universal appeal. Netanyahu (not his real name BTW, the family name is very European in keeping with his REAL heritage) and Amalek, what a duo, coming soon to a fallout shelter near you.