Monday 28 July 2008

In memory of Ronnie Barker

I thought you could all do with a good giggle, what with the rates, water and the price of food all going up.

Thanks to Roisin, my friend in Port Douglas, who sent me this script, that was originally screened on the BBC back in the seventies.

Ronnie Barker, who dies three years ago, delivered this with his famous deadpan expression and without a snigger. The irony is that they received not one complaint.

The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read.

Maybe this is the answer for Wicked Campers, or the likes of that kid who got busted for the "obscene" t-shirt. Now he can wear one that says "Jesus is a cotten runt".
  • This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

    Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

    The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

    The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. 
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.

    Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

    The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. 
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

    The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.

    "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

    Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

    He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.

    The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny. 


Unknown said...

I don't have many claims to fame but one of them is that Ronnie Barker was my great uncle. I remember as a 6 year old kids playing in the huge backyard of his house in London and his huge reading room. I unfortunately never got to meet him because he was on a tour of Australia when we went to stay!

Paul Dymond

Anonymous said...

This particular piece attributed to Ronnie B is not a genuine piece of his work...! Someone has done a pastiche, so I'm afraid you'll need to amend.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous you are absolutely correct. The original Rindercella was performed by Archie Campbell:

and there is debate as to whether Ronnie Barker did this version or not.

Ronnie Barker definitely performed a "spooner" sketch as the Rev. Spooner himself, however that one hasn't done the "email rounds". It was set in a book shop. There was one reference in the sketch to "Kelly & Sheats" (Shelley & Keats), a spoonerism that is supposedly attributed to W.H. Auden.

"Originality is nothing by judicious imitation. The most original writers borrowed one from another." Voltaire

Anyways...I still think Bonnie Rarker's Rindercella is floody bunny!